Red Light, Green Light: Finding Balance in How and When to Connect

Families often, and falsely, take on a huge responsibility for their addicted loved one’s mood and choices. They believe they have to say and do everything right, walk on eggshells, or apologize for any strong negative emotion they show.

They believe if they don’t do these things, they could be cast into the bad guy role and cause a relapse. The irony is that this fear and anxiety—even when rooted in love—actually feeds the addiction.

Simply put, the more you obsess over and engage with your loved one’s addiction (excuses, lies, bad behavior, destructive choices), the more it grows and gains power in both your life and theirs.

We’ve all done this, until we learned how not to, and practiced it. Here are some red lights (when not to engage) and some green lights (when it’s okay to engage them as the person you know and love).

Red Light

• Victim talk
• Defensiveness
• Gaslighting
• Attacking
• When we are being “muted,” meaning they are discrediting our thoughts, feelings, or opinions
• Not listening
• When we are wondering “are they telling the truth?”
• When we’re lecturing
• When we’re out of mental energy, exhausted, or have had a bad day ourselves. We do not have to take every opportunity to challenge, encourage, or enforce. Sometimes we’re just tired and it’s okay to take a break from thinking about the addict’s drama.

When you see any of these signs, it means addiction is in the driver’s seat. Disengage from the conversation right away. Anything you say, no matter how brilliant you think your point is, becomes kindling for the flame of their disease. The signs above are not yellow; they are RED. Get out.

Yellow Light

• They are picking a fight

Don’t take the bait. Practice selective mutism. How? Try saying: 

“I don’t have anything to say about this right now.”

“I’m going to have to think about what you’re telling me.”

Or a nonchalant, “you may be right.”

Don’t react. Pause. These responses won’t cure addiction or prevent use. What they do is remove you as a tool to help mitigate their shame, which may one day help them look in the mirror and realize they need to change. It also protects your peace and establishes a better culture in your home.

Green Light

• If they’re confiding in us about regular life: work, friends, interests, etc.
• If they’re reflecting on their life at all
• If they’re in the mood to talk about something, even if it’s silly or neutral
• If they’re pleasant

When you see these signs, go ahead and connect and engage in a way that feels natural and positive.

Speed Limits

Something important to remember in these moments is that it’s just that—a moment. It doesn’t mean the addiction is subsiding or gone just because your loved one is lucid and themselves. Appreciate the moment and be thankful, but don’t give the interaction more power than it deserves.

Many times these refreshing moments come when we are fed up with the addiction and are about ready to put a boundary in place. A glimpse into the authentic personhood of your loved one doesn’t mean the boundary isn’t necessary. Remember, the boundaries are for you. Not to control them.

A warm breeze doesn’t stop a blizzard. Appreciate the breeze, and continue to put on a winter coat

If you need real-time feedback on what is red, what is green, or how you can get to a more peaceful place, come to Families After Addiction or Death (FAAD) on Thursday nights.